Ed Takes In An Afghan


“C’mon Ed, take one for Operation Warm Welcome,” said the PM in that jovial, tricky-to-refuse way of his, “it’ll be a bit of virtue signalling for the government and an example to the nation –  and you’ve got that huge place in the country where you wouldn’t notice an extra hand. What do you say?”

What could I say? I agreed. 

I get onto the Home Secretary and ask if the results of the screening process for refugees could be made available to the Department. I want to have some say in who gets parked on me.

After going through a batch it’s clear to me that these are fine looking people and some of the women are absolute corkers.

The vision of a sultry sorceress trailing round my stable block in flowing gossamer robes fixes itself in my consciousness.

For the sake of propriety, however, I have to make the selection process look like a Departmental decision.

I call in the Permanent Secretary.

“The PM has requested that our Department should host an Afghan refugee as an example to the nation.”

“A fine gesture, Secretary of State, are we to find  accommodation in Whitehall for this personage?” asks the PS.

“No No, as head of the Department I feel it is my responsibility to house this personage under my personal roof – my country roof in fact – where he or she may feel more at home than in London. The Home Office has sent a selection of suitable candidates through to me and the Department must make the final choice.”

“May I see the Home Office recommendations, Secretary of a State?”

I pass over a few of the files containing my initial findings.

“Harrumph,” says the PS as he does when he smells a rat.

“Yes?”

“In the Afghan Wars of the 19th century, Secretary of State, the Afghans handed over their British prisoners to their women who were remarkably skilled at removing their testicles with the maximum degree of suffering.”

A shiver goes up my spine. I hand him all the other files the Home Secretary has sent over. 

“I leave it to you,” I tell him, “instruct the Department to find a nice quiet chap who’s good with horses.”





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